Yes, I've been to New York.
...and no, that's not me.
Hey - this issue is really, really big.
It's not that good, and it's not that funny, it's just really, really big.
Subject: BARTCOP GETS A PLUG ON C-SPAN!!!
Congrats on a very well placed plug on C-Span
courtesy of The Nation's Eric Alterman.
It was broadcast today 05/19/01. In the interview Alterman referred to his new article
recommending liberal web sites that pose "an alternative to right-wing politics."
The only two he mentioned on the air were Bartcop
and Media Whores Online!
The interviewer specifically asked Alterman about your site and Alterman referred
to it as "highly entertaining" and "very smart."
Again, my hearty congratulations to you Bart (raising
tumbler of Maker's Mark).
Hoped you enjoyed your stay in NYC (although I didn't hear from you *sniffle*) :-)
If it makes you feel any better, nobody heard from me.
I even had an invitation to meet my good friend Joe Conason,
but if we met,
once I said, "Joe, good to meet you, I'm a big fan," then what?
It'd be the same with meeting Ol' BartCop.
Once you said, "Nice page," then what?
Sometimes I get the feeling that people who get the jokes on bartcop.com
might think meeting me would be like meeting Robin Williams or some comedian
who could go into a "bit" and be spontaneously funny on command.
In real life, I put the "b" in boring - just ask Christian Livemore.
But, would you like to hear about my trip?
It started with a plane ride.
The flight to Newark was so boring, I was afraid I'd have nothing to
I was hoping an engine would catch fire or something, just to cause a stir, but things
livened up a little when the pilot appeared to be lost.
As we got closer and closer to our (hopefully) intended target of Newark
I was expecting to see tall buildings. The plane went east for a while, then north,
then east, then north - making me think he was searching for the New York area.
I've flown lots of times and I've never seen a jet "search" for a major city before.
I thought about passing a sugggestion to the stewardess that if we flew
we saw water, we could ask the damn passengers to help the pilot look for tall buildings.
As the search for New York continued, I read a newspaper account of
animal killer Ted Nugent being sued by former fans. Ebay had an auction where the "winners"
got front row tickets to a Nuge concert and dinner with him afterwards.
(I'm glad they didn't say what "dinner" was - probably whatever Ted killed that day.
The high bid was $1535, if you can believe someone would pay that for
a show and dinner
with the Motor City Madman, Mr Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.
If you like Ted's music - fine. Let's agree to disagree on what good music is.
But don't write and say you're dumping bartcop.com after all these years because
I said something less-than charitable about a right-wing Republican fund-raiser.
But instead of front row tickets, they got 30th row tickets and instead
they got a "How ya doin?" from Ted, so they're suing their former rock idol for fraud.
The pilot was a wiseguy, always pointing out things for us to look at.
For instance, he said, "If you look out your window, you'll see Columbus, Ohio."
So I did, and here's what I saw:
Ya gotta love a major airline pilot with a twisted sense of humor.
A while later, he came on the PA and said "Below us is Wilkes-Barre, PA," so I looked again.
Gee, Wilkes-Barre looks a lot like Columbus.
Eventually we landed in Newark, but still, I saw no tall buildings.
We met the lovely Christian Livemore (CAL) and her friend Ray.
Since we landed at 4:30, Ray knew traffic would be impossible, so he took us on the
New Jersey tour on the way to the George Washington Bridge that would take us to Manhattan.
Our first peek at the tall buildings.
We stopped at Jersey's Liberty Park and saw the Statue of Liberty.
I was shocked to learn that the wording on the statue's base had been
"Give us your roughnecks, your engineers and your geologists.
We already have enough poor darkies, thank you."
It's good to have a Dad in the CIA...
So, we're getting closer to the city - THE city.
New York, I've always said, is the center of the universe.
If, for example, you're a big rock band, and you haven't played New York,
and you haven't won them over, then you're not a big rock band.
If you make it there, you make it anywhere.
New York - about 30 years ahead of K-Drag.
After our Jersey tour, we were ready to join THE city.
Of course, there's that little traffic problem, but we had an expert at the wheel.
I need to say this before I forget. CAL's friend, Ray, not only had a car,
and knew his way around, but he was an encyclopedia on New York.
Any time I pointed to a building and said, "What's that?" he knew the year it was built,
the architect, the current oocupants - the works. If you ever make it to New York, hire him.
He knew everything. To me, being in New York is like being 20 years into the future.
Having an extremely well-read and intelligent guide meant the world to me.
It was like Stump the Band. He knew everything.
As we approached the hotel, it was hard to find because they lied so
on their website and brochures. We were staying at the Chelsea Savoy,
which was located in the Chelsea district of New York, which is gay.
I'm so naive, I didn't even know New York had a gay part of town.
We sure don't have any gay parts of town in Oklahoma.
Know how I know there's no gay parts of town in K-Drag?
Because they're not burned to the ground, that's how.
Here's how http://www.gay-sanfrancisco.com/gay-newyork/stay/savoy.html described it:
Located behind one of the city's ugliest facades,
this is your best bet for an amenity-laden,
mainstream hotel experience in Chelsea. You'll find comfortable, anonymously styled rooms
that feature private bathrooms, color cable TV, goose down pillows, irons, hairdryers,
climate control, soda and ice machines...the works.
Color, cable TV?
Soda and ice machines is "the works?"
That describes every Motel 6 from Bangor to San Diego.
Are the gay people in San Fransisco that easily impressed?
Jesus Christ, for $180 a night, you should get ...well, let's not go there.
a commercial break
Subject: you are a liberal wacko
hey whoever you are, go jack off on a tree,
you might just save it, you dumb idiot
...that only cost Adolph $25
Reach dozens, by advertising on bartcop.com
Back to New York...
Anyway, here's the artist's conception of the way the hotel looks.
Pretty impressive, eh?
A free-standing building with a big neon sign on top and colorful awnings.
Check out that giant, white awning covering the front door at the lower right.
We drove past it a few times, because all they have is a teeny-tiny
and about ten feet of street exposure. Here's what the front door really looked like:
You can't even make out the name, ...but, ...what the hell.
I'm in a good mood, and we should all give the gays a break.
So, we're checked into the second-most expensive hotel room ever,
(Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas holds the title)
We did a ceremonial shot of Chinaco Anejo.
You didn't think we'd forget the Chinaco, did you?
And now, for the first time in our lives, we're going to do New York.
We took a quick NY taxicab ride to "the Village," Greenwich Village.
(For the newbies, it's pronounced "gren-ich.")
We just started walking.
Block after block - mile after mile of little shops, restaurants, bakeries,
and every small business you could think of, block after block - mile after mile.
It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. I have samples coming up - wait for it.
Besides that, we had some great conversation, we were laughing and making jokes,
it was an exciting start to an exciting vacation.
But the walking got to me after a while.
I told a while back I was out of shape, ...so, ...Mrs. BartCop & I joined a health club and we've
been 15-20 times on the treadmills and bikes and rowing machines, so I thought we could walk.
We walked and we walked.
We got a week's worth of geography in just a few hours.
All the time, Ray was answering questions about Manhattan, the other boroughs, the subways,
New York cabs, local government (Ray's into bartcop.com ) so we were absorbing more important data
than Spock failed to record on "City of the Edge of Forever."
As we continued to walk, my dawgs started to bark.
Maybe CAL and Ray have built up some immunity, but we did some walking.
In New York - you don't drive.
You take a bus or a subway near where you're going - then you finish it.
In New York, "next door" means within a mile, and "nearby" means the subway don't even go there.
So we end up at the Chat & Chew.
I know, Chat & Chew won "worst restaurant name" the last three years running, ...but the food.
Never trust anything you read on the www or see or read in the whore media, but trust this:
New York is the king of food.
Don't worry, I have my case laid out in dozens of photo exhibits, but that's a fact.
Vegas can't touch New York for food, at least not in my price range.
The Chat & Chew was the only normal restaurant we'd see this
CAL said she'd heard good things about the Thanksgiving Dinner Special.
I, of course, immediately flashed back to Thanksgiving 1999 debacle at the Rio in Vegas,
The Chat & Chew turkey dinner was spectacular.
I know - you're thinking it was only turkey with all the fixins, right?
Lemme tell you, this turkey was sliced paper-thin.
Where have you ever seen paper-thin turkey before? Ever?
The potatoes were real, the stuffing was crunchy-perfect, the cranberry
and under the cranberry, there was some kind of veggie mix that broke the bank.
I don't even like vegetables, but this was tastier than Angie Harmon in a two-piece.
I can't even telkl you what they were - a bunch of stuff - but it had some sauce or
something on it that made those veggies taste better than the turkey.
CAL said there was lots of places in New York that served food this good.
I didn't believe her.
Time Capsule Funny
from BartCop Volume 140 - Judas Maximus
Do you all know Monica Lewinsky has a degree in psychology?
Did you know Laura the Unloved ...does not?
Monica is more qualified to help disturbed people than Laura the Home-Wrecker.
Part II is in Volume 477
...let's hope this works.
Is it illegitimate president or bastard president?
Read the Previous Issue
It had everything.
Copyright © 2001,
Thanks for the fumble, Dude.