Vol 149 - Drop The Chalupa
So, where's BartCop?
Oct 2, still here...
Can only get thru 30 seconds at a time,
Mindspring bought Earthlink, overloaded everything, systems AFU.
Maybe Sunday will be better.
You've GOT to visit this site. Every click is a masterpiece.
So far, the best part is Betty Bower's advice page at
If you know of a funnier site, let me know.
I can't stand how good this site is.
Bad Language Alert
Fox Whore News
The Fox News Network has to be the most biased news organization in
Their hatred for Bill Clinton is more thinly veiled than Rush's need
for a tax cut.
For the last eight weeks, Fox News has been broadcasting a non-stop
of the survivors of the FALN bombings in New York City.
They gets the cops on the set, with their legs blown off and then they
lingering close-ups of their missing fingers while they ask,
"How do you feel about Clinton letting those murdering bastards go
just to help his bitch-wife get the fence-climbing vote?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-cop, but it made me wonder...
Waco was six years ago, and I've never once seen the widows of
those cops on any network, and I wonder why that is?
If Fox had a shred of fairness, they'd get the Widows of Waco on the
air and ask them,
"How do you all feel watching the Republican Party make heroes
out of the
religiously-insane gun-nuts who murdered your husbands?"
The Fox Network - where they just report "the facts,"
and let the ditto-monkeys draw their own stupid-ass conclusions.
This was supposed to be a short story.
I got carried away.
I grew up with Miss America.
My birthday is Sept 12, and Miss America is always held the second
Saturday in September,
so Miss America was always on TV the same night as my Catholic, Saturday
night birthday party.
(Remind me to tell you about my Uncle Al and Miss America.)
Far as I know, the new Miss America isn't a whore.
Seems like the last three all had VERY stong opinions about the pervert/bastard
in the White House.
That deaf Miss America hated Clinton with everything she had,
which is her right.
But this new Miss America seems OK on the surface.
Her name is Heather Renee French.
If I'm wrong, let me know right away.
Don't wait 30 days and then tell me she's a Bob Barr fan.
She says, "My strength is in God."
Good for her.
BartCop-ism allows everyone their own insane beliefs.
She's 24, but she said, "I haven't done cocaine in the last 25 years,
I like a girl with a sense of humor...
But what made me really like her is her cause.
She's for homeless veterans.
Goddamit, the veterans have my vote, hands down.
I don't care if you're a Republican, as long as you're a veteran,
if you fought for this country, you have my respect.
You have capital in the Bank of BartCop
if you're a veteran.
The idea that the new Miss America would choose homeless vets
as her cause
maybe means she has the brains to pick a cause everyone can get behind.
Our fighting boys have a friend in Ol' BartCop, and,
unlike certain popular Nazi bastards,
I don't care WHO the current president is.
Our fighting boys deserve the red-carpet treatment now,
they deserve it when they apply for a home mortgage,
they deserve it when they apply to GMAC or FMCredit or FANNIE MAE.
they deserve it when they apply for the GI Bill or Social Security,
and they deserve it with veteran retirement packages and burial benefits.
They deserve it.
They put their ass on the line.
I haven't seen Private Ryan yet, but I just want to hand WWII
Vets my money.
Ninety percent of America has no comprehension of what they went through.
Vietnam Vets got the worst of it.
Fucked over there,
fucked back home,
...and I'd like to thank Rush for something.
A big percentage of the homeless are veterans of our armed forces.
Rush used to do his Dumpster
Diner Updates everyday with a big laugh.
Yeah, let's all laugh at the American who's fallen so goddamn far into
a pit of bad luck
that he's eating from a goddamn dumpster, you born-into-luxury, cock-sucker.
That's right, Rush.
You're making $25,000,000 a year.
Your ass was too unclean, so you never had to endure what Vietnam
You never worked a fucking day in your candy-ass life.
All you've ever done is sit behind daddy's microphone and tell lies
about other Americans.
Why should you worry about a veteran who saw his friend's head
You were whoring shit-AM radio back in the 70's because the giant cyst
on your ass
kept you from fighting in that "most noble of all wars," you
But, ...I'd like to thank you, Rush, for stopping the Dumpster
I think this may prove the theory of evolution.
If the Nazi Pigboy can eventually evolve,
doesn't that mean that his party, with enough time,
...could do the same?
Take a big breath...
As many of you know, Ol' BartCop confesses to an I.Q. of 64.
I never claimed I was any smarter than the average, regular Democrat.
But Ol' BartCop is always claiming he can frame a question, right?
I came up with a new question.
It's a real slicer!
I only spent about 5 minutes on this, so if it's as easily solved as
my Garth Brooks mystery,
I'll admit I'm a lamo and get back to calling Rush "fat," which is
what all my critics say I do.
This is a question you ask your NRA buddy.
Reminder - I'm only about 80 percent anti-NRA.
I have guns.
But I didn't form a religion for the purpose of raping the wives and
of the people who put their entire sheep-like lives in my hands because
I lied to them
about some religious bullshit that only a broken coward could possibly
accept as the truth,
and then murder four cops when they came to arrest me while earning
the undying respect
of every Limba-inspired, anti-American Republican who thinks
this country needs a constitutional enema.
...you probably weren't ready for that.
Here's the question:
This is a gun-control question.
This is like that Michael Jordan, "definiton of is," guaranteed ambush.
Goddamn it, this is a "Yes or no," question.
They can answer, "No."
Or they can answer, "Yes, but that's an unfair
But make them answer the goddamn question.
BartCop - Always the Voice of Compromise and Sanity
And you have to use these words.
Don't go "fixing" the question or some ditto-monkey might find wiggle-room.
If you get it right the first time, you don't have to correct shit,
Here's the question you ask your NRA buddy at work:
Do you admit or deny,
that a well-trained man with an AK-47 with
in New York's Times Square at high noon on
would cause 1,000 times more human damage,
than a well-trained man armed with a kitchen
knife or a baseball bat?
Can I get a yes or no on the "more damage"
(Give the sheep a chance to catch their breath.)
They have no defense.
They are fuct.
Long, ...deep, ...wide and repeatedly.
Make them answer the question!
The only honest answer is, "Yes, without a doubt."
Now, they're more fucked than they were before you made
them eat it.
The idea that this is arguable is a goddamn joke.
A baseball bat might kill a dozen sleeping children,
but you can't sweep a street with a goddamn baseball bat, and
they fucking know it!
Somebody PLEASE confront me with a logical, alternative point
Sixty two dead kids is greater than three
Do you creation-mathers get that logic?
62 dead kids > 3 dead kids.
Lets go with the "<" or "fewer" dead kids, you NRA profiteering mother-effers!
The Republicans and the NRA say if we outlaw AK-47's,
we should also outlaw baseball bats and steak knives, to
They CAN NOT be that fucking stupid.
They are lying because whores like their money.
K o r e s h , A m e r i c a,
I ' m g e t t i
blisters o n m y
f i n g e r s .
I'm posting this one semi-blind.
I don't know what it is, and I don't endorse it - yet, if at
but it almost made me blow Chunks when I read the first two paragraphs.
...long time readers know about blowing Chunks,
I think that URL is a link to http://www.ishipress.com
which has the most stuff I've ever seen on a
It would take years to surf all this, but you
can always search for "Starr"
and get a whole lot of good comedy material.
What a coward!
Tuesday, Rush "debated" Pat Buchanan.
I put debated in quotes because Rush just rolled over and let
Drudge called it a "hot confrontation," or some such crap, but Drudge
is a whore
trying to make things sound more spectacular than they really are
Rush would say, "But Pat, what about an issue like xxx or xxx," and
give him a pretty good answer, then Rush would move on to another question,
never holding him accountable or debating him in any way.
Wednesday, when Buchanan's not there to defend himself,
Rush is calling him all kinds of names, the cowardly lyin'.
Buchanan may be a Nazi, but he's a hell of a debater.
Pigboy could've showed a little courage and had a real debate,
but he waited until Buchanan couldn't fight back to attack him.
I guarantee it was no accident that Buchanan was on for the last
That way, Rush's team has 21 hours to decide what Buchanan said
and figure out how to attack him the next day.
The yellow bastard could've had Pat on the first hour.
He could've engaged in actual debate.
He also could've attacked Buchanan while he was on the air,
but the chicken-shit, like he always does, refused to fight fair.
That's the real reason his calls are so heavily screened.
because Pigboy is a fast-talking moron who can't think.
Why do ditto-monkeys stay with this fraud?
I didn't hear this quote myself, which is unusual because I hear almost
all Pigboy's lies,
but so many people have written asking for a reaction.
"Voila! Automatically we've got another
mass shooting. The minute Congress gets back
and starts to work on new gun legislation...Guess
what? I'm drawing no conclusion.
I'm just telling you. It's very...very strange.
'Well, gee, Rush...it sounds very sinister.'
It may be. Look. I don't doubt for
a minute that Democrats are capable of staging
any kind of event whatsoever...in order to gain
advantage in the causes they support.
I've said it before. It's nothing new."
Is there anything that Nazi bastard won't say?
The Democrats staged the church killings to promote gun
A new low, even for the uneducated Pigboy.
This is very strange.
I've never done a goofy guessing game thing before, but this is truly
The man below is one of the premier figures in the history of American
That word in blue is a clue.
Who could be this young and still be the premier
in American music and still be almost unrecognizable?
Do you know who this is?
E-Mail BartCop with
I've made a decision.
I didn't make it lightly, and this will cause some trouble,
because some Democrats are backing this guy, I'm sure,
but I want to be clear about it.
Fuck Bill Bradley
He really pissed me off Sunday.
I waited until now to allow 48 hours to calm down, but I haven't calmed
Whatever show he was on, they played a clip of Gore saying,
"I believe Clinton will be remembered as one of the greatest presidents,"
or something like that.
They asked Bradley if he felt the same.
Bradley said, "I would've picked Lincoln."
America was built on diverse opinions.
It's hard to compete against an assassinated president who freed the
I have no problem with that, but he went on.
"I would also pick FDR and Jefferson," he said.
It's time to stop right there.
You've made your point, now move on.
"I would've also picked Harry Truman, and James Madison and James Polk."
Was he president?
Bill, now you're just being a dick.
I know something about those other presidents, but who the fuck is
Whoever he is, he didn't save America from bankruptcy.
He didn't raise the standard of living for 280,000,000 people.
He didn't triple the retirement funds for 60,000,000 Americans.
He didn't give us seven straight years of peace and prosperity, either.
...and he damned sure didn't re-write the rules of war so that
sent into combat came home, and you can't see any of
that, Mr. Bradley?
To make things even worse, they had to STOP Bradley,
because he was prepared to name every goddamn president since Washington
if they'd let him prattle on and on endlessly but they grew tired of
When you dig alllllllll the way into the barrel and come up with Polk,
you're dumping on the seventy percent who supported Clinton during
the coup attempt
designed by this man,
man, this man andthat
You're dumping on the entire Democratic party, Mr. Bradley.
And now you think we're going to vote for you?.
Are you too stupid to be president, Mr. Bradley?
I don't like traitors, Mr. Bradley.
Matter of fact, I hate the sons-of-bitches.
I hate traitors more than I dislike Republicans.
Maybe you didn't mean to be such a dick, Mr. Bradley, but you
If you can't control the words that come out of your mouth,
if you can't show even a minimum of respect for a twice-elected leader
who reminded the Democrats how to whip Fascist ass,
I don't think you can be trusted in the White House.
I guess it's possible this chasm can be bridged, Mr. Bradley,
but you'll need to apologize on live TV to have a chance with me.
Fuck you, Bill Bradley
Speaking of Paul Harvey,
Did you know if you call 1-800-NEXT-BED he'll send you a free
Well, actually they'll charge your credit card, but if you return it
within 90 days,
they'll refund 100 percent of your money.
Gee, ... I wonder what would happen if everyone reading this
called 1-800-NEXT-BED and then returned it?
Of course, it would be very wrong to soil the mattress, too.
I finally got a chance to check out Perkel's http://www.sonofbush.com
Perkel is a genius.
It's important that you know, in the coming days, the Church
will have a major announcement of interest to all bartcop.com
Watch for it.
We've got new Dr. Laura pics up,
We have new Eargasms,
We have another Kevin Cunningham cartoon,
Check back often.
There's always something new at bartcop.com
The pictures from the Susan McDougal meeting have arrived.
That's Marc Perkel, the discoverer of bartcop.com
I guess you could say the photographer wasn't exactly a perfectionist.
He got Marc and Susan really good, but all you can see of me
is Susan grabbing my hand and a piece of my red tie.
Doesn't Susan look great?
Suze, you're the TOPS!
Bill, and the boys at the The
Boot Newt Sing Along Page
have come up with another good song parody.
It's called, "Dubya, Don't O.D."
(Sung to the tune of "W-O-L-D" by Harry Chapin)
Check it out:
Before you click again, click this:
If Ol' BartCop is pointing towards a baptist site, it's gotta be good,
Letter to the Ediotr
Infants Urged to Open Up on Bush
Babies of America, unite against George W. Bush, because
every time a camera is focused on him, he is leaning to
one of you to pick you up, hug you, kiss you and squeeze you.
Next time he does that to one of you, puke on him.
Then he will stop doing this.
Tommy and the Cadillac
Barry Sanders wants to play football again.
I took a lot of heat from some people when I said Sanders was lying
"Oh, you're wrong this time, BartCop," everybody said.
"Sanders is a devout Christian who'd never lie about
If you watched Fox's pre-game show Sunday, you know I was right.
He's trying to weasel out of his contract so he can play for another
Last time I checked, lying was a sin!
Welching out of a legal contract is also a sin.
Trying to get out of a contract is a sin, if you're Catholic.
Barry, they all said your word meant something, but I knew better
They all thought you were a good guy...
Thanks for making another BartCop prediction come true, Barry.
Rep. Ernest Istook, (R-Knuckledragger) wants federal prayers made into
But he has one little, tiny problem standing in his way.
Clinton Does it Again
Why does the GOFP keep falling for the same trap?
Clinton is refusing Watermelonhead's subpeona.
That makes them think he's hiding something.
Burton will go through poison snakes to get these notes, but there's
Clinton has all the right-wing wack-jobs salivating, "We have him THIS
as tho Clinton would put secret, back-room deals in writing for Burton
If you're really bored, check this out.
Old Debate Challenge
Great Dr. Laura Quotes
"Money isn't everything.
I still have my dignity and I still have my clothes."
Wait, ...I'm sorry.
That's not a Dr. Laura quote.
That's a quote from an upcoming Showtime movie about a non-whore.
bartcop.com regrets the confusion
What is Governor Blow Monkey's position on the Fort Worth Massacre?
What's the NRA's position on the Fort Worth Massacre?
Hot Off the Presses
While looking for news coverage of the big shootout, I found
The closest town to the shootout was Murfreesboro.
Some dude writes a column called "Man about Murfreesboro,"
and he mentioned Ol' BartCop's political prognostications!
Coverage of the Mrs. BartCop's Car Shootout
#1 Who Stole Mrs. BartCop's Car
#2 Who Stole Mrs. BartCop's Car
Special thanks to Mike Reed for the link
Old Debate Challenge
You men out there... you Democratic men...
Do you like Claudia Schiffer?
Would you like to see Claudia Schiffer without any clothes on?
Check about nine inches below this message...
Butthead: heh heh ...He said "wood."
Mail That's Not Monkey
What Kind of People Run
the Fox Network?
also check the Fox Update
Mrs. BartCop's Stolen
Cadillac Makes the News
Have you ever been to http://www.rushonline.com/debate.htm
******(See Update Below)******
It's some of the wildest, craziest stuff on the www.
It's one of those "Clinton Body Count" pages.
He has a section for rebuttals, so I fired off several rebuttals to
his insanity, expecting them
to be published. (It says, "Look for your comments at the bottom
of the page.")
It's been several days - nothing.
I wrote and asked why, he said he was "behind," which I know how that
Several more days - nothing.
What drives me particularly crazy is that I've been looking since 1991
for somebody who will agree to answer the most simple Limba-inspired
After eight years, I STILL can't find anybody, so my heart raced
when I saw his list of insane accusations with an offer to publish
Let's hope he catches up soon.
Could be some entertainment for us all.
I wonder if it would make a difference if a
bunch of people wrote to
and asked him if he's ducking Ol' BartCop?
Matter of fact, since he's confident in his beliefs,
and he's itching for a debate,
maybe we could set up a LIVE CHAT for everyone
Could that happen?
Could we bet on the outcome?
Wouldn't it be fun to see him take the BartCop
He's hardly in a position to refuse.
Why, he'd almost appear cowardly if he refused, wouldn't
Let's put some pressure on the old boy, see if he's got any
One more time, that address is http://www.rushonline.com/debate.htm
happened to the Home Run Updates?
BartCop Emmy Awards
McDougal to End Silence at Democratic
Susan McDougal, who went to prison rather than rat on the president,
got a call from
the Tulsa Democratic Women when she was sitting in jail in Arkansas
three years ago.
"They wanted to caravan to Arkansas and hold a candlelight vigil around
I'll never forget that," McDougal said.
The Whitewater figure who was imprisoned for 22 months said she was
moved to another
facility so the Tulsa women could NOT
visit. She's going to Tulsa tonight to return their kindness.
McDougal will be the featured speaker at the Tulsa County Democratic
a $100-a-plate fund-raiser. The dinner will be at 7 p.m. at the Adams
"I got moved seven times -- four county jails and three federal prisons,"
who is convinced the moves were simply harassment by Independent Counsel
She describes Starr as a "religious zealot" obsessed with taking down
and aligned with the "righteous right," which she says is plaguing
McDougal's prison stops included a short stay at the federal transfer
center near Oklahoma City.
"They kind of get you in the middle of the night, and take you to the
where I was kept in solitary confinement. I couldn't even have sheets,
only paper stuff
-- like I was on suicide watch. It is very scary to be in jail and
not be allowed phone calls for days.
"Your family doesn't even know where you are," she said.
But why is McDougal telling her story now when
she was willing to go to prison to keep her silence?
"What really got me started speaking out was the impeachment process.
The hatred on the faces of those men who were impeaching the
president," she said.
"They were hypocrites calling for the downfall of Clinton because of
a moral lapse
when they had had problems of their own equal or worse than his."
McDougal, a lifelong Democrat who slapped her first political bumper
sticker on her
parents' car at age 5, said her message tonight will be about the Republicans
Congress who went after Clinton.
"These were our leaders. These men were all elected by us. Yet
they led this nation down a
road we didn't want to take. And so what I'm concerned about is how
did these people get in power -- the right wing and religious fanatics
-- and what can we do about it?"
McDougal's own troubles became public in 1996 when she was tried and
on Whitewater-related fraud charges and sentenced to two years in prison.
Prosecutors accused McDougal, her husband, James, and then- Arkansas
Guy Tucker of defrauding the Small Business Administration by dipping
savings and loan company for some $3 million in bogus loans to bankroll
During the nine-week trial, the government's star witness, Arkansas
banker David Hale,
made the sensational claim that then-Gov. Bill Clinton had discussed
an illegal $300,000 loan
with the McDougals. Hale was being charged with 26 felonies in connection
with the SBA.
"They negated his entire sentence," she said.
McDougal said she was approached twice by Starr's people and both times
if she would provide evidence linking the president to the $300,000,
her would be dropped and an IRS investigation of her taxes would be
She was never approached directly by Starr, but one time he did offer
to shake hands with her.
"I said, 'Are you kidding?' I was told if I didn't want to back
up Hale's story, they were going to prosecute me. I had nothing to tell.
I just walked out furious that they wouldn't believe me."
McDougal is the daughter of a former Army officer and her mother was
a World War II
Belgian resistance fighter.
"I told my mother if I had to go to jail; what would she think?"
She said, 'If I could stand up to Nazi scum, you can too.'"
Hear what Ms. McDougal
said on Knuckledrag's NBC affiliate.
Check back for a full report after the dinner.
The evening was so ...Cinderella.
Was it Shakespeare who said a picture is worth a thousand words?
You know what that is?
That's the name of one of my heroes.
Does it look like a man's writing?
No, it doesn't.
It looks like a lady might've written it.
You know what?
A lady wrote that.
One hundred percent pure BartCop-isms.
What Went Down Last Night 9/10/99
Ediotr's Note: From RL-LNW Volume
Susan McDougal is a f-ing trooper.
SUSIE, baby, you're the TOPS!
I want to shake your hand when
you get out.
Six weeks ago, my buddy Sabutai
told me Susan McDougal was coming
to Knuckledrag to give her first speech since getting out of prison.
I called Marc Perkel,
(he put RL-LNW on the www) and invited him to be our guest.
We agreed to meet at the gig.
I'd seen his picture on his web site, but I have no such pictures.
Since we were going to meet, I had to watch for him.
Mrs. BartCop and I were reading a soggy NY Times when
I saw Marc walking thru the hotel lobby.
I waved and pointed to him and he looked away and kept on walking.
I approached him and he wondered who the dork in the suit was.
(I never wear a suit. How often to you meet someone you respect
enough to dress for?)
I wore one for Susan McDougal.
There's not very many people I've ever wanted to meet.
People don't impress me much.
There's only about three people I'd wear a suit for.
Two of them just bought a house in New York.
So, I approached Marc, stuck my hand out and said, "BartCop, here."
We had a seat and a drink and swapped some lies.
After a while, he suggested we try to find Susan.
The dinner was scheduled for 7:30,
but we knew the big donors were somewhere with Susan right now.
We went to the second floor where they had a big room set up.
This was the "sponsors" room. I'm not exactly sure who the sponsors
but there were big-time Democrats everywhere.
I saw noted Knuckledrag attorney Kurt Glasco, the Democrat who tried
twice to unseat Jim Pissquick (R-Insane Bastard) when he was in the
He remembered me from a previous encounter and nodded.
There was Mike Turpin, former Oklahoma attorney general.
I shouldn't have, but while he was talking to some guy,
I grabbed his elbow and thrust his hand up and shook it.
"Big fan," I said and kept walking.
I also saw current attorney general Drew Edmondson.
Right behind him was former governor David Walters.
I knew we must be getting close.
I'd been to a few of these democratic get-togethers,
but I've never seen this many big guns in one room before.
Marc blew through the doors like he owned the place.
Mrs. BartCop and I followed, meekly.
About ten feet inside the door - there she was, surrounded
by four very excited women.
Let me say, with the utmost respect possible, that Susan McDougal is
a very attractive lady.
I always thought she was kind of cute on TV, but in person she's a
Plus, she oozes charisma and confidence - that's sexy.
After she spoke with those women, Susan took a step forward and
now she was talking to Marc Perkel and crusty Ol' BartCop.
Marc spoke first. He introduced himself and said,
"I had the first Free
Susan McDougal site on the web."
She put one hand on his hand and one hand on his shoulder and said,
"Oh, Thank you. That's sooo sweet of you," and my heart
just hearing her express genuine gratitude to a guy who tried to help
What really got her going was his next sentence:
"I also had the first Gore
for President 2000 site on the web."
That set her off like a Roman Candle.
She's real big on Al Gore.
He told her he ran for congress last year and she seemed so interested
to hear every word
he said to her. I was seeing the Susan McDougal charm from less than
two feet away.
Time and space were very hard to judge at this point.
I assume she only talked to him for a few moments, but she talked long
enough to make him
feel like he had a conversation with her, not some bullshit, "Nice
to see you," brush-off,
then on to the next guy, which was me.
She turned to me and suddenly everyone in the room disappeared except
the two of us.
It was a real Twilight Zone moment.
For years, I'd heard that Clinton has that talent, that when he speaks
it's as though you two are the only people in the room.
When she spoke, I couldn't hear anything but her voice,
and I couldn't see anything but her face.
It was like we were in a tunnel together.
There was over 100 people in the room, but she was very effective at
letting me know that
there was nothing on her mind for those few minutes except whatever
Ol' BartCop had to say.
She made me feel like I was the person she came to Knuckledrag to meet.
Koresh, that's flattering, especially coming from a person of
someone out of today's headlines and tomorrow's history books.
I planned to joke with her that she looked different without the
but I was too excited to remember my lines.
I forget what she said first, because I was a puddle by
I held my hand out to shake hers, and I think she grabbed it with one
hand and she put her other hand on my arm. She was just so damn
interested in whatever was going to come out of my mouth next.
At this point, I lost my ability to think, but my mouth went on
auto-pilot, and it did OK without any help from my brain.
I handed her a card with www.bartcop.com written
I told her I had a little humor website that often mentioned her.
I asked her if she had an e-mail address.
She said, "No, but I have a home address."
So she wrote her home address on one of my cards.
(see picture above)
There's a lot I can't tell you because I don't remember.
I remember saying, "I'm so proud of you. I just want to say thank you."
She said, "Thanks. That means a lot to me."
Just then, the photographer steps up and said, "Picture?"
So Marc and I snuggled up next to Susan McDougal and smiled and photoboy
took a picture of the three of us. That picture may or may not make
it to this website.
(Sybil, try to help me!)
Then I totally defaulted back to BartCop 101 and said to her,
"I don't mean to overwhelm you with hyperbole, but it seems to me that
if it wasn't for your courage, we'd be in Gore's second year right
It was so cool.
I've waited forever for the opportunity to look her in
the eye and say that.
She looked away for a moment and re-ran that last sentence in her head.
She took a moment to digest what it meant. I could see the wheels turning
in her head
and she looked back at me and said, "I think you're
right. I hadn't thought of that."
BartCop putting new ideas in the mind of Susan McDougal?
I continued, "If you'd caved in to the pressure, America would've lost
How do you feel knowing American history turned on the decisions you
What's it like to have that kind of power?"
She said something like, "I wasn't thinking in any historical
I just knew I was being railroaded and I was trying to stop that.
I went back to, "We're all real proud of you," and let her go.
There were lots of people who wanted to talk to her.
(I need a moment...)
A few minutes later, the hostess of the event, Sharon King Davis,
(Co-Chair, Tulsa County Democratic Party and tonight's MC)
came up to Mrs. BartCop and I and thanked us personally for coming.
That was a real classy thing for her to do, since we're nobody.
We moved to the dining hall where Susan was to speak.
I grabbed a seat where I could get a good angle for my camcorder.
Ms. McDougal's speech was as riveting as anything I've ever heard.
Like any good speech, she started funny.
Then she got serious.
She put a pounding, a goddamn pounding on Governor Blow Monkey.
I wasn't expecting her to spaghettify their front-runner, but
If you ever thought that Ol' BartCop could put the hammer on Butchie,
you should hear what Susan McDougal did to him, and you will.
She sliced and diced the Republican ditto-monkeys.
the House Managers,
El Puerca Grande,
...and she was always a lady.
Christ, it was like watching Muhammed Ali in his prime.
She talked about some of the stuff she witnessed in prison.
There was 330 people in that room - not a sound.
There was no coughing, no glasses tinkling, - nothing.
Besides her voice, it was an audio black hole.
I don't want to say too much - I want you to see/hear it for yourself.
I have a perfect, digital video of every word she said.
Marc has plans to stream it, so stay tuned.
It was a night I'll long remember.
...and don't forget - I have her physical address.
I'm going to send her some "Best Of" BartCop stuff that mentioned
I remember just before the 1996 elections, I was telling her to
"Hang on, Suze, just a few more days!"
She might get a kick out of that old stuff.
It's funny, when we spoke, I hadn't yet heard her speech.
I didn't tell her the name of my web page, because she's a lady,
and I didn't want to drag her into the trenches at a black tie affair.
But after hearing her rip the ditto-monkeys a new one,
I think she'd enjoy reading the wilder LNW stories.
I hope she's not drinking milk when she reads how I thanked her for
kicking Po' Kenny in the nuts and saying, "That's from BartCop."
Milk out the nose is never funny.
Suze, ...you made my heart warm.
..and if you don't have e-mail because you can't afford a computer,
I'll deliver and set one up as my way of saying, "Thank
...isn't it time somebody suggested,
Another great Kevin Cunningham Cartoon
Help Gov. Blow Monkey
Stamp out Freedom
Dr. Laura is suing people for slander.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, you ugly, stupid whore, why don't you
Is there anyone in America that has said the things I've said about
Doc Spread 'Em?
Why can't I have some fun, too?
Sue me, you stupid, ignorant bitch.
You're a lying, conniving whore from Hell.
Your cheap-shot, mangle-for-entertainment empire is a fraud
and a sham,
and I'm saying so in the most public forum ever invented.
Why is she picking on some little shop owner?
Why doesn't she go after Howard Stern?
Why doesn't she come after Ol' BartCop?
Because she's a goddamn coward, that's why.
Laura Schlessinger picks on the littlest guy in America.
"Schlessinger says Moore called her a liar?"
How many times have I called that stupid leg-spreader a liar?
But the cheap-ass whore refuses to come after me.
oh, ...what I wouldn't give to get that I'm-better-than-everyone
First thing I'd do is subpoena the tapes from every goddamn show she's
I'd get her outtakes, too, where she calls those brain-dead peabrains,
"idiots" for calling her.
I'd string together a four-minute collage of her nastiest bile and play
it for the jury.
I'll bet the jury wouldn't even leave the room to deliberate - there'd
be no need!
The jury would award me damages for exposing the lying whore.
Hey, speaking of whores, what about those nasty, nasty
pictures of Laura's kootie?
Is there another site on the Internet where those pics are posted?
Sure, you can cruise the newsgroups and find some, but those newsgroups
are so anonymous.
I, BartCop the liberal Catholic, am standing tall in front of the world
"I'm proud to show the world what a lying whore this leg-spreader
Come get me, you bitch!
Send your high-prices Beverly Hills attorneys after me - go ahead,
Dr. Laura is a nasty, leg-spreading liar!
...and if she doesn't come after me, it just proves another lie.
She's after that poor shop owner because she needs a cause to sell
her shitty newsletter.
I guess the librarians weren't putting up enough of a fight...
One last thing...
How many abortions has Dr. Laura
C'mon, Laura, tell us THAT story.
How many abortions have you had, you hypocrite?
Are you going to blame "secular humanism" for that, too?
How many children have you "sucked into a sink," you tramp?
Is it MORE than TWO?
I think it's time Dr. Slut came clean and admitted
What's wrong with Rush? (w/Update)
He spent last week repeating himself, again and again, about what Bill
might do if their dishwashing machine springs a leak or the washer-dryer
Today, the eighth, he spend three full hours on the dangers of soccer.
Hey, Pigboy, I think Bill might've ordered the murder of Ron Brown.
Could you look into that?
I also think Hillary killed Vince Foster.
Can't you check into that and give us an update?
The Pigboy is stuck - again.
He'd like to talk about Waco, but Clinton was out of the loop.
Even the sick pig doesn't believe Clinton was picking which cannisters
The GOP can't fathom the possibility that Reno was lied to then,
and Freeh was lied to after he took the job.
I'd just as soon see them both gone.
Freeh said Clinton should be hung for his blow jobs, so the Simians
Meanwhile, Reno is most-hated because she only appointed 75 Special
instead of the 450 the Cavemen demanded.
I don't like either of them.
Clinton should fire them both.
It might be interesting to hear what Rush thinks,
but he's too busy with dishwashers and soccer balls to have an opinion.
Rush explained Thursday that the whole reason he's turned all-soccer-all-the-time
is because he wanted to show the dangers of soccer like the "anti-smoking
Nazi's do with cigarettes."
Pigboy, you've become such a parody of yourself.
It's getting harder to ridicule you because you're such a joke all
by your damn self.
How do you figure soccer is equal to cigarettes, you stupe?
Did soccer kill 400,000 last year?
Did anyone on Earth die from soccer last year?
We know the 400,000 Americans died - they do every year.
Pigboy, when Clinton leaves office, you should retire.
You're been a one-joke pig since January 20, 1993
Another positive that came out of my Austin trip...
I bought Brill's Content Magazine
at the airport.
I've never been more impressed with a first-read in my life.
Brill has feelings toward the press that are similar to mine.
He uses the word whore less frequently than I do,
but his intent couldn't be any clearer.
He calls 'em like he sees 'em, and he sees 'em like I do.
I got the issue with Chris the Catholic's mouth on the cover.
Jack Germond tells the reason he left McLaughlin's ego show.
Jack's a good writer, and he can bust balls when he's in the mood.
Brill rated the White House reporters, the five best and the five worst.
He went after that whore Diane
Sawyer for her non-interview with Gore.
She didn't ask Gore many questions that didn't involve Clinton's cock.
Stupid, ignorant sell-my-ass-for-a-nickle whore.
Brill busted her for that.
Maybe that's a better title than Content.
Brill's Whore Busters.
Pick up a copy.
Rush had a cow Tuesday about how "terribly difficult" it's going to
for Janet Reno to find somebody to agree to be a special prosecutor
stupid Waco non-issue, because "nobody wants to be the next Kenneth
Hey, Pigboy - I have a bowl of sunshine for you.
Nobody minds if a fair, impartial investigation is done.
But if Danforth gets more FBI agents and more attorneys than investigated
World Trade Center bombing and the Oklahoma City bombing COMBINED
and they comb the country asking every slut and tramp in America what
might be able to fabricate about Clinton's cock, THAT we mind.
Pigboy, you never get it right, do you?
Besides, every sane person in America knows Vern murdered those kids.
This is typical Republican leadership.
Look backwards, find every non-issue that doesn't exist and beat it
to fucking death.
...and Koresh knows the press whores are eating this up with a spoon.
What else do they have to talk about?
A Quick hit on today's issues...
This whole Puerto Rican clemency deal is so goddamn stupid.
The people involved were never even charged with violent crimes.
They're merely members of a political party that sometimes uses bombs.
Tim McVeigh, Vern Koresh and the women's clinic bombers are all Republicans.
Every goddamn one of them is a certified, Republican looney-bomber-murderer.
That can't be denied by anyone.
Should all the Republican candidates be jailed because they belong
to a party of bombers?
How many times have I pointed out the hundreds of different ways Rush
can tell a lie?
Rush can tell 50 different KINDS of lies in just the first hour.
Pigboy ragged on Hillary today about her "lack of experience."
The Slur Factory spit this whoreshit out.
"It's the total arrogance of this woman, the conceit,
the gall she demonstrates by
showing us her greed for the presidency when she's never won
an election in her whole life."
Pigboy, you lying sack of shit.
Granted, it's true Hillary had never won an election, but please,
just to prove you're being honest with your gullible sheep, Pigboy,
could you please do me this one small favor?
Please list for me, if you would, the elections that Gary Bauer
Could you do that for me Rush, just to prove you're not lying?
Please list for me, if you would, the elections that Mrs. Dole
Could you do that for me Rush, just to prove you're not lying?
Please list for me, if you would, the elections that Steve Forbes
Could you do that for me Rush, just to prove you're not lying?
Please list for me, if you would, the elections that Alan Keyes
Could you do that for me Rush, just to prove you're not lying?
Please list for me, if you would, the elections that Pat Buchanan
Could you do that for me Rush, just to prove you're not lying?
Could you do that just one time, Pigboy?
Just to shut Ol' BartCop up, once and for all?
Can't you do that just once, to prove your claims
have a shred of credibility?
You can't, can you, you lying whore?
Pigboy, how do you fucking live with your nazi-whore shameless self?
Did somebody pay you ten dollars to act the whore?
Worse, how do your brain-dead, half-wit, religio-wackos live with themselves?
They don't even get the ten dollars when they turn whore.
The lying, nazi Pigboy gets away with bloody murder every day because
he won't allow
any sane people near his microphone to say, "That's a goddamned
If the son-of-a-bitch had a goddamn shred of decency,
"Like a lot of people in this race, Hillary has no personal
But he can't say that, because that would be the fucking
Pigboy is allergic to the truth.
I'd like to hear from the Rush butt-kissers
that always charge,
"BartCop's idea of substance is calling Rush
Well, here's something you can bite into, you ignorant
Explain how sincere your big hero was with that last, phony bullshit
attack on Hillary.
Let me guess:
Hillary has "no experience,"
but Bauer, Dole, Forbes, Keyes and Buchanan are, "quick learners?"
That's pure partisan whoreshit!
You ditto-monkeys have weak minds.
When faced with the obvious,
you stick your ditto-heads in the sand and hide like scared women.
You need to open your eyes and answer my question
if you think your Pigboy hero has any credibility whatso-fucking-ever.
"If you get big, you're not spanking any lesbians."
-- Mrs. BartCop, on the plane to Austin
First of all, let me tell you, there's a lot I can't tell you,
because there's a lot I can't tell you.
But there is some I can tell you.
Get your Rock Island Teas ready...
It's the weekend,
and we have a story for you...
...I'm watching Letterman Wednesday night and the Bart-phone rings.
It's some big-shot, televison agent/attorney/producer dude.
You know what Dave says about these people.
He calls them, "weasels and parasites."
Dave says you gotta watch out for these leeches.
This guy called once before.
He called back in April, just as we were leaving for our luxurious
stay at the fantastic Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino in Las Vegas.
He said, "Let's get together and talk."
Yeah, ...like I can't tell when my pants are being pulled down.
He wanted me to stop by his office in LA while we were out west.
I blew him off and we went on to Vegas and golly gee,
our stay at the Mandalay Bay was everything we'd ever hoped for.
OK, so I'm watching Dave Wednesday and this agent guy calls again.
He says he caught the new bartcop.com, and he really
I'm like, ...."How did you get my number, anyway?"
He gave me some weasel-like, Clintonesque, lawyerly non-answer about,
"Anything can be gotten if the money is right."
If this is some money-grubbing-weasel, I'm outta here.
I don't need the grief!
I have my income.
and Mrs. BartCop makes more than me.
and the ADM money is good for non-traceables,
so I don't need some slick, show-biz agent-weasel-type "helping me."
But, he swore he was on the up-and-up.
He said he'd pony up airfare for Mrs. BartCop and I to go to Austin,
He said, "Well, you wouldn't come to LA, and I'm in Austin this weekend
so if I fly you and Mrs. BartCop to Austin, would you agree to meet
I said, "First Class?"
He said, "No. You might fly home first class, but you're flying
to Austin in steerage.
If you're funny, you'll fly home first class."
This weasel doesn't know I have ADM's G-5 at my beck and call.
I asked about the Mexican food in Austin.
He assured us he knew the very best Mexican restaurants.
I still wasn't sure.
I don't like weasels, and I don't like whores.
So far, this guy is legit, but if/when I catch him trying to put the
bag on me,
I'm gonna cut his legs off and make him suck my dust.
So, I'm torn...
Two days handcuffed to some show-biz weasel?
Or a three-day, holiday weekend tequila-fest at BartCop Manor.
So far, I'd rather stay home.
He continued to persuade...
"I'll draw up a contract.
You can take it home and show it to your attorney," he said.
What, ...the contract will contain a bunch of Latin?
Weasel boy hasn't read enough bartcop.com
to know I'm Catholic.
Typical "Which one's Pink?" kind of show-biz, agent/lawyer/weasel.
Weaselboy is going to trick Ol' BartCop with a Latin contract?
Oh, thank Koresh I was drafted Catholic and learned Latin.
these negotiations should've been in Trump's book.
"I've paid for the tickets. If you're here tomorrow, we have a deal,"
"If you're not, we don't."
Geez, that was spooky.
I've used that line before...
I think it was in Godfather II.
Then, I thought of the big closer...
Using my trial experience, I led him this way and that,
I disoriented him,
I confused him,
I distracted him,
I confounded him,
...then I turned on a dime and slapped him with,
"What kind of liquor do you drink?"
He didn't miss a beat.
He said, "Nothing but one hundred percent, blue
That did it for me.
God wants me to meet with this guy.
Tomorrow, we're going to Texas.
As John Lennon said,...
"...I hope we pass the audition."
If this guy turns out to be Mr. Weasel,
it'll make a funny story on bartcop.com.
Butt, if he's legit,
we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it..
The best part about getting old is how you learn things.
You get smarter.
Let me get all artsy on you and start with the ending.
We flew home in steerage in a prop-powered airplane.
Our mystery host had his office call me and say our
electronic tickets were waiting at Knuckledrag International.
We were off for Austin at 7:00 AM.
Hey, Mystery Man!
Thanks for the sleep-in Saturday!
We landed at DFW Airport, the largest man-made thing in the world.
We jogged the 8 miles to our connecting gate.
We're flying American Airlines, which is a little creepy, since they've
been in the news
lately as being the airline that would rather smuggle untold tons of
cocaine into America
than bother with all that low-profit safety bullshit.
Not sure why, but every time I saw the Sky Chef tray
rolling down the aisle, my nose began to run.
We land, for some damn reason, at Bergland Air Force Base.
I don't recall flying into one of those before.
We rented a piece-of-shit Taurus (I had a Sebring convertible reserved,
but it wasn't ready)
and sped to the Home Town Suites, the venue my provider had provided.
When I checked in the lady says, "So you're BartCop."
Koresh, I hate when that happens.
I prefer it when nobody knows who I am.
I called my host and he said, "Come to room 107."
I told Mrs. BartCop to wait in our room, with The Baby,
in case this was some deadly trap set by my political enemies.
(Plus, if it was a roomful of naked lap-dancers,
I wanted to shield Mrs. BartCop from the danger.)
I knocked on Room 107 and the door opened.
An elderly, Picard-headed man wearing a Gilligan hat opened the door.
I'm not sure why, but the first thing he said was,
"I'm sorry I don't have a tattoo."
He said his name was, "Scary Perry."
That didn't do anything to diffuse my apprehension.
He introduced me to his lady, the lovely Pamela.
She was about 22, and a real knockout.
Scary was this old, creaky coot, so what was she doing with him?
I figured Gilligan must be loaded if he landed this hot babe.
We talked for a little bit, he said he was a fan, then another surprise.
"I hired a camera crew to follow us around."
Hey, if I'm going to perform, I'm going to need a fee.
A big-ass, fat fee, with lotsa perks, and some oral sex, to boot.
We put the performance idea on a cold hold and went for breakfast.
Scary had a 1999 Cadillac.
Was it his?
Or was it rented?
Was Scary for real?
Or was I the victim of a hose job?
I hitched my belt a notch tighter.
We went to The Sun and the Moon Mexican restaurant on Congress Street.
Hole in the wall, to be sure, but they had great food.
The three sane people at the table ordered, then Scary asked the waiter,
"What's your favorite meal at this place?"
The waiter said something like, "the Chicken Azteca,"
and Scary Perry said, "Fine, I'll have that."
What about drinks?
It's almost noon, and I needed to be sharp for the upcoming negotiations,
so I said, "no" to tequila and slammed a few Coronas, instead.
Scary went with the Dos Equis.
Let me tell you, Ol' Scary is about 55 years old and 150 pounds,
but he could put the groceries away like a mid-90's Limbaugh.
They served heaping portions at the Sun and the Moon,
but Scary finished his and finished Pamela's, too.
I saw he had his eyes on my plate, too, so I ate fast.
After a great breakfast, we headed back to the hotel to regroup.
Scary said to call him in 15 minutes.
He said he needed another 30, fine.
I called him in 30.
He said he needed another 30, fine.
I think he was having sex with the young knockout, Pamela.
That made me think he was a Democrat.
I'll bet he voted for Clinton.
I felt a little better.
After a couple of hours, (maybe Scary is from Havana...)
he called and said, "Let's conge' at Lake Travis."
I never heard of Lake Travis, or the word "conge'"
but I was up for the challenge.
Lake Travis is amazing.
One of the Top Ten prettiest places in America and remember,
I'm old, and I've been everywhere.
So Scary is driving us towards Lake Travis in his Eldorado.
For my benefit?
Am I being hosed?
As we're driving along, he says, "You smoke the Devil's weed?"
I kinda hem-hawed a little, waiting for him to commit,
when he whips out a fatty and says, "Let's kiss the sky!"
Before I can get a word out, he's fired up.
He hands me the joint and says, "This is really good pot."
I started laughing and said, "Is that right?"
Shit, I smoked my first joint in 1972,
and Gilligan is going to blow my doors off with his "good pot?"
I took a few hits, and all of a sudden I was Up
in f-ing Smoke.
I know enough about stuff to know it wasn't dusted.
It was just pot, but it was tape-measure, home run pot.
There was no way we could finish this skinny joint.
We got halfway and I cried, "Uncle."
I got so high so fast, I forgot how to breathe.
Scary got at least as high as me.
He started driving like Charlie Sheen, late to Caligula's New Year's
Pedal to the metal, followed by jarring, sudden stops.
This must be why they call him, "Scary Perry."
I got to thinking...
Here I am in Texas, where they don't tolerate illegal drugs
unless you're richer than shit and daddy is politically protected.
I asked Scary if we could slow down, ditch the roach, and behave.
He started mocking Ol' BartCop.
"I thought you was the man!
I thought BartCop was the party dude!"
Yeah, I party just fine.
I just like to commit my crimes in a vibrating La-Z-Boy behind locked
instead of on the public highways doing 60 MPH in a state
where you can get life in prison for a fucking dropped seed.
No sense in trying to outwit a Texas State Trooper, especially
when I can't string together enough cogent words to form a sentence.
Then, things got jacked up a notch.
Pamela spotted "some horns" on the side of the road.
I was thinking trumpets? trombones? coronets
Scary does a lightning-fast bat-turn in the middle of the
highway and cuts into the horn seller's roadside showroom.
No, they were a different kind of horn.
They looked like Longhorn horns.
Turns out, they were water buffalo horns, from Africa.
Swear to Koresh, the first sentence out of his mouth to them was,
"Do you have the hardware to mount those horns on my Eldorado?"
Bubba said, "Yeah," so then Gomer came after this 1999 El D. with a
He puts four holes in the front hood and mounted these fucking horns.
Perry slapped a wad of hundreds in his hand and we're off again.
I'll bet he was voted, "Most Likely to Exceed"
in high school.
So now, we're driving down the highway with water buffalo horns on the
front of this
new Eldorado, calling attention to the non-existent driving skills
of the Very Scary Perry.
I'm shaking like the horses in Paul Harvey's stable at this point.
Shit, in 1983, we were on a roller-coaster at Disneyland when the
Chino earthquake hit, and this was scarier than that.
Suddenly, we're negotiating twisting, winding, coastal roads overlooking
what appears to be an ocean bay, and we're just 15 miles out of Austin.
Pretty soon, we arrive shaken, not stirred, at The Oasis on Lake
They call this area, "The Texas Riviera," for good reason.
It really, really does look like the Riviera.
(Like I would know.)
So he has the valet boys park the pot-smelling El D, and Scary
slips the waiter a fifty to get us the good table with a view.
Now, it's tequila time.
This place was expensive, but Sauza was the best tequila they had.
Scary goes nuts with margaritas and Sauza shots on the side.
I still can't string together enough words to form a thought.
I couldn't even form bad intent, which was a first for me.
Till that Saturday, I could always form bad intent.
Scary and I were talking up a storm,
neither of us had any goddamn idea what the other was saying.
He'd ask me a question, then I'd say, "Huh?" so he would repeat what
and I'd answer a different question than the one he asked, then he'd
"I understand," even though neither of us had a fucking clue what was
The funniest part was, we were both too high to see the humor in it.
We were non-communicating in some new, unknown language.
I knew it was funny, I just couldn't get the goddamn words out.
Meanwhile, here comes our waiter, Cubby, with some more Sauza shots.
Since fear had a lien on my body,
and panic held a mortgage on my soul,
I asked Pamela if she might do the driving home.
Scary started in on me again.
"This is wild-man BartCop?
I thought you were the wild and crazy guy?"
Koresh, help me.
If I could just remember how to breathe,
I'll bet I could regain my powers of persuasion.
That pot was like Kryptonite to me.
For a brief, fleeting moment in time,
I could've lost a debate to a Republican.
Trust me, Ol' BartCop has ridden the big waves before.
If you had the bad fortune to read Vol 100,
you know what kind of mischief Ol' BartCop has been into,
but at my advanced age, this was like tricky whitewater rafting.
Then they brought us fajitas to die for!
I've never had this much great-tasting chicken and
great-tasting steak on a flour tortilla before.
Maybe it was the food, maybe the doobage.
The food seemed to help my lack-of mental condition.
To celebrate, we had another round of tequila.
Scary ate enough fajitas for six, but he never got full.
This was around 7 PM, and the subject turned to politics.
How clean is clean enough?
Scary said he was a Gore backer, I asked why.
He said, "I'll show you."
He had the valet bring the El D with the horns on it.
Scary tipped the poor bastard $50,
and Pamela drove us safely back to downtown Austin.
Ladies and gentleman, Koresh as my witness,
what I saw was the most unbelievable thing ever.
According to Scary, Austin once had a huge mosquito problem.
They had hundreds of thousands of dollars earmarked for toxic bug poisons
to be pumped into the sweet Austin summer air by ugly, polluting trucks
in an effort to control their Limba-sized mosquito problem.
In 1996, Al Gore pushed thru a federal grant for Austin, Texas.
Don't ask me how, but Al Gore funded the purchase of 60,000,000 bats.
Sixty million hungry, flying, mosquito-eating bats.
This is one of the strangest things I guess I've ever seen.
We, along with hundreds of others Saturday, August 4th,
gathered below a bridge in downtown Austin to witness a miracle.
At 8 PM, a small Mexican-American woman walked under the bridge and
a candle and she began ringing an old-fashioned dinner bell triangle.
She rang for about two minutes.
Then she stopped, and raised her arms to the sky,
as if she was calling for someone or something.
It was spookily quiet,
...matter of fact, it was so quiet,
it was as quiet as the GOP gets when their presidential nominee is a
...TENS of millions of bats answered the dinner bell and began eating.
I don't know if you've ever heard of this wild phenom before,
but at 8 O'Clock every night it's supper time in Austin.
Millions and millions of bats go absolutely ape-shit.
The blue, summer sky turned black with bats.
Oh, sure, they were organized at first - all flying in-line,
in formation, doing what they were supposed to do, but then...
Then they went nuts, like Japanese zeroes at Pearl Harbor.
Millions of bats, flying north, south, east, west...
It was a bat-fest in every sense of the word.
I didn't see any humans attacked, which was strange.
How do you train 60 million bats?
It was hard to believe my eyes, but these multi-millions of bats
apparently have nothing else to do but eat mosquitos every night.
No muss, no fuss.
No poisons, no toxins.
Oh, sure, maybe a little residual bat-shit, here and there,
but someone said people show up now and then and collect
the bat-shit because it's high in...
Hell, I don't know what bat-shit is high in,
but there's a market for it.
That Al Gore, he thinks of everything...
So we're done with the bat-miracle, and looking to retire with some
We stopped at a 7-11 for directions to a liquor store.
Just to be nice, Scarey bought 4 brownies and scarfed them down
while asking a C-Store groupie for directions to a liquor store.
I told Pamela, "I'll bet this guy knows where a liquor store
I jumped out at the liquor store, just now starting to regain my IQ
Try to understand, when you're a moron, and you lose your ability to
think, it's not pretty.
While I was buying tequila, Scary was buying more food - this time it
I'm not sure he stopped eating or drinking the entire day.
I, personally, saw him consume about 7000 calories.
If his law practice fails, he can always be Diet Boy on QVC.
When we got back to the hotel, we did a few limes, (spelled with an
but never did get any business done. I got the feeling this weekend
was more about partying with BartCop than doing business.
The closest we got to business is when he asked me if I wanted to be
a stand-up comic.
Hey, I've been living La Vida Loca since before Ricky Martin
was a zygote.
I live like a king everyday, and have for 25 years or so.
I have no desire to go on the road with some lame comedy act
and open up for even-more-lame comedians in small town comedy dives.
I'm doing just fine the way things are.
The next morning we talked by phone, I thanked him for the fun,
and he invited us to visit them at his home in LA.
So, we never did get to the business at hand.
Remember, I never said I was smart.
But since I'm not a conservative, I can evolve.
I owe Scary Perry on several fronts:
1. Great weekend, great food, and a near-drowning by tequila.
2. The next time I entertain an offer, I'll need two first-class
tickets or a G-5 to whisk me and Mrs. BartCop to Las Vegas.
Get me a suite at the Bellagio for the weekend and we'll
Scary did me a favor - taught me to set up the next batch
of negotiations in a town I'm familiar with.
All in all, it was a pretty nice trip.
You can't overdo Mexican food and tequila.
Well, that last sentence is at least half-right.
At every stop, he whipped out his Platinum American Express
and if you take away my mid-afternoon panic attack, we all had a great
Matter of fact, when it comes time to sign some papers,
....if I can convince him to lose the Gilligan hat,
I just might let Scary be my attorney,
...and I wished I could've been there when he brought that
rented Cadillac back to Avis with the horns on it.
Dr. Laura Dead By Head
CALIFORNIA - A seven inch vibrator has claimed
the life of right wing talk show host
Laura Schlessinger. She was found in bed
Friday morning after the before mentioned dildo
fell from the top of her headboard and onto her
head, killing her instantly. Schlessinger,
whose talk show warned against the immorality
of promiscuous and perverse sex acts, had
survived the scandal of her nude 'spread 'em'
pictures on the Internet by first claiming the
pictures did not exist, and then claiming they
were the fault of Al Gore since he invented the
Internet. President Clinton, saddened to the
point of laughter had this to say of Dr. Laura,
"America didn't know she had a dildo. Maybe she
wasn't so bad after all."
The seven inch vibrator, known to sex magazine
junkies as "the little bomber" was inscribed
with the initials printed in Hebrew G.O.D. "You
would've thought that God would have a
bigger schlong," said a native New Yorker.
The accused dildo fell approximately 18 inches
onto Schlessinger's head at the approximate
velocity of 4700 feet per minute. The device
weighed approximately 4 ounces without
batteries, 7.5 pounds when fully loaded with
double D batteries. Ironically the batteries
were Die Hards.
Since the accident, rental rates of Republican
Bruce Willis's Die Hard movies have
skyrocketed, proving that Dr. Laura has benefitted
society in some way.
"What we basically have here is a bowling ball
crushing her skull," explained one of the
emergency medical technicions. "She died instantly.
She never knew what hit her."
Had she known, she might have died from humility.
Mattel toys have jumped on the bandwagon of this
tragedy with their production of a Barbie
Doll inspired by the late Laura Schlessinger.
The doll comes with removable clothing, a
purse packed with a Colt 45, and a mini vibrator
for those days when Ken's not around.
Ball Park has also released plans for edible
Dr. Laura vibrator franks that plump when you
cook them. Their commercials claim that,
"a dildo a day keeps Doctor Laura away."
Right wing conspiracy theorists suspect foul play,
thinking the vibrator may have been
planted at the scene of the crime. They
attest that Dr. Laura may have been beaten with a
blunt object, such as a baseball bat. Hillary
Clinton's connection to Sammy Sosa and the
Chicago Cubs and her accessibility of baseball
bats have made the First Lady the First
Suspect. The House Republican managers are forming
a committee to address this newest
scandal to reach the Clinton White House, erroneously
dubbed Dildogate. Ken Starr has
been rehired as special prosecutor, as this forte
of sex toys is not at all new to him.
Democrats have used the tragedy of Dr. Laura's
death to further along vibrator control
registration. They want child safety locks on
all vibrators and a ban on vibrators known as
"Saturday Night Specials" which vibrate at a
rate of 10 times faster than normal vibrators.
The NRA has responded with the quip, "Vibrators
don't kill people. People kill people."
And, "When vibrators are outlawed, only outlaws
will have vibrators."
Debate on the House floor will continue today.
But differences are not
predicted to come to a head anytime soon.
JENNIFER L GARDNER
Ediotr's Note: Special thanks to Jennifer for saving Volume 147.
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