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Volume 695 - Be Very Afraid 


 Monday - January 21, 2002                                                                 Recent old stuff                   Online Shopping

"There is no vast right-wing conspiracy.
  But there is a concentrated, focused and alert one."
     ---John Fund, who's so tough and brave he beats up women.

 I talked to John the other day.
 Well, actually I talked to his phone machine.
 I was calling to express my displeasure at his beating women.

 Enron: A Scandal So Good That It Hurts
     By John Balzar

   Click  Here

 This is the juiciest scandal of our lifetime.
 Why? Because this is not about personal indiscretion, not about sleazy
 partisan politics, not about runaway foreign policy, not about "gotcha."

 This rotten barrel of apples is all encompassing. Down at the bottom, in the really contaminated slime,
 Enron/Andersen/et al. is about what we have allowed our nation to become.

 So, we begin year two of the illegal occupation of the White House.

 I wonder - will the Democrats lay down again in 2004?

 PretzelGate: A Twisted, Salty Tale
   by John Montgomery

  Click  Here

 Have you ever passed out from choking on a pretzel? I've spent my fair share of time
 eating pretzels while watching football on TV. On more than one occasion, I've been
 in a whole room full of people doing precisely the same thing. Not once did anyone pass out
 from choking on a pretzel. And some of those guys were a lot dumber than George W Bush.

 ha ha

 I don't believe that last line is true.

"I am the Central Scrutinizer.
 This kind of talk is dangerously close to sedition and treason.
 If this Montgomery guy is in cahoots with BartCop, he's up to no good.
 He needs to be tortured in the name of justice for the sake of America.
 Get Torture Room 6 ready for this Montgomery guy."

From: (wuthheld)

Subject: Palestinian Problem


I love the site and read it several times a day (I am not a patient person and keep looking for updates).

I also have an idea how to increase communication between Israel and the Palestinians.  Every time Israel
bulldozes houses, assassinates someone or builds a new settlement on occupied land, a Palestinian religio-crazy
bomber should blow himself up and take some Israel citizens with him. Then Israel will bulldoze a few blocks
of Palestinian homes and businesses, assassinate someone or bomb Palestinian Authority buildings.

Then a Palestinian religio-crazy bomber should blow himself up and take some Israel citizens with him.
Then Israel will bulldoze a few blocks of Palestinian homes and businesses, assassinate someone or bomb
Palestinian Authority buildings.  Then a Palestinian religio-crazy bomber should blow himself up and take
some Israel citizens with him.

Then Israel will bulldoze a few blocks of Palestinian homes and businesses, assassinate someone or bomb
Palestinian Authority buildings.  Then a Palestinian religio-crazy bomber should blow himself up and take
some Israel citizens with him.

So in a few decades, when right-wing Israeli nuts and Palestinian
religio-nuts do what they do, we will have made a lot of progress.

Just an idea.


Mike, I think you've accurately described what it's like to live in Israel.

If I get the meaning of your sarcasm, you're saying,
"If Israel would just stop, the Palestinians might stop."
If that's your position, I think you're wrong.

It's possible I did a poor job of explaining my idea, but I believe the psycological effect
of spelling out the punishment in advance is more powerful than leaving them guessing.

But, as always, the big problem is religion.
Nothing will stop the religio-crazies.

Some bogus "magic book" told them they will get 72 virgins after they pull that grenade pin.
Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard?

Believe it or not, there are people right here in America who believe that when they die,
they're going to be transported to a cloud city to live with all their dead friends & relatives.

Isn't that the most insane thing you've ever heard?

 If you missed the Michael Dare/John Belushi story, you need to Click  Here.

  Choking Bush called cabinet member for help, told,
 Government couldn't intervene in collapse
  Pretzels, Death "part of the genius of democracy," Says O'Neill

   Click  Here

While passed out, Bush reported had
a "frightening dream," that Heaven was Catholic.

From: mortfrom@tir.com

Subject: Am I a Monkey?


You say the Israeli Occupation Army should bulldoze neighborhoods in
retaliation for Palestinians fighting to oust the occupiers.  That's a good thing.

You also say it's a good thing to bomb Afghan civilians because they
wouldn't fight back against the Taliban.

How is a downtrodden people supposed to know when it's OK by BartCop to
fight back and when they should welcome the raiders into their homes and daughters?
Any guidelines available?

Peter Young

ha ha
Well-crafted, my friend.
Whenever I mention Israel, I get landslided.

"You also say it's a good thing to bomb Afghan civilians because they
 wouldn't fight back against the Taliban."

There's a chance you mis-quoted me there.
I think my exact words for the Afghans were, "stick a fork in the soldier's neck if you have to."
That's different than strapping on dynamite and walking into a Tel Aviv restaurant.

To answer your question, I don't think you're a monkey.
A monkey would have trouble distinguishing those two concepts.

Note to self: If the mail begins to slow one day, just mention Israel.

 If you didn't visit us Saturday, you need to Click  Here.

 If you didn't visit us Sunday, you need to Click  Here.

 Only about six months before sweet corn season!

 Oh, how I love the corn...

 Vietnam and Afghanistan
   by David Friedrichs

  Click  Here

 The biggest similarity between the two wars is the Pentagon briefings. The goals and objectives
 are different but the level of lies and deceits have not changed one bit. In Vietnam, the goal was
 to show progress by inflating “body counts”. In our new, more compassionate world, we measure
 progress by how many buildings we blow up in a sterile and non-violent manner, with “minimal
 collateral damage”.In Vietnam villages were called Viet Cong strongholds and in Afghanistan
 they are called Al Qaeda compounds. In reality, these are places which were filled with people,
 who wanted nothing more to try to scratch out a life for themselves before we came and
 destroyed everything in their pitiful lives.

 This Just In...

 Brett Farve was hospitalized today after an apparent suicide attempt.
 Police are still trying to determine what happened, but apparently Farve was trying
 to shoot himself in the head with a 38-caliber pistol but he fumbled it as the gun went off.

 ...just kidding, I like Brett Farve.

 Koresh, what a game.
 My body was in K-Drag. but my head was in Las Vegas.

 Thanks to Doug P. and the gang at  portrait.com  and "Larry S,"
 I had shots of Casa Noble extra aged and shots of Del Deuno
 which is Chinaco-class tequila for just $28, shots of Chinaco and
 one shot of the finest Chinaco Anejo extra aged.

 ha ha

 Did I have a good time watching the Rams maul the poor Packers?

 What a team - what a game!
 Koresh, Aeneas Williams, a defensive back for St Louis, scored three touchdowns by himself,
 which was more points than the Green Bay Packers got, but the refs cheated and called one back.
 I was hoping to do a shot every time the Rams scored, but I couldn't keep up.

 Yes, we had a good time watching the game.

 Read more about the big game at 

 Then, she made me watch The Golden Globes instead of Tarantino on Alias.

From: snowcrowley@mediaone.net

Subject: Please rethink anti-Palestinian attitude

Should we blow up several homes in Harlem every time an Afro-American kills a white New Yorker?
Or several homes in River Oaks when an Enron exec screws a pensioner?

Collective punishment is despicable, and beneath you, bartcop.

Peter Crowley

Pete, let's talk.

Assuming your question has relevent parallels, you're saying the rank and file Palestinian rock-thrower
has no idea when these religio-crazy's will attack, and they are merely innocent, stand-by victims?

If that's true, why do they dance in the streets when the death toll is announced?
We can't allow the religio-suicide bombers can't claim a seat at the table.
If I'm mistaken, straighten me out, but we can't compare suicide bombers to people.

I think the religio-crazies are going to blow themselves up no matter what,
but that doesn't mean Israel should just lie there and take it like a Senate Democrat.

I'm not anti-Palestinian, I'm anti-senseless murder.
If that shoe fits the Palestinians, blame them, not me.

BTW, when someone attacks my position on self-defense against suicidal nutjobs,
wouldn't it be a good idea if they offered an alternative?

 From: neilrmurray@yahoo.com

 Subject: Susan McDougal is probably not the best example of integrity you could find


 I agree that she showed integrity in going up against Starr (the EVIL-DOER).
 But she has had many run ins with the law, and I doubt that we can pin it all to an EVIL-DOER conspiracy.
 I admire her spunkiness, but i doubt that I would get involved in a business deal with her.

 Click  Here

 Neil Murray

 ha ha
 I'm sorry, I couldn't help that.

 Are you kidding?
 Susan's big mistake was meeting a young man named Bill Clinton.

 Susan McDougal could've personally brought down Bill Clinton.
 That means she could've had millions of ditto-monkey dollars.
 Hardon Kenny offered her a blank check and told her to write in any amount.
 She could've been the ambassador to any country in the world.
 She could have had her own show on Fox Whore News.

 ...but instead, she chose the truth which got her a cold prison cell with screaming, insane neighbors,
 where she had no choice but to drink water from a spigot attached to the back of a toilet.

 ...and you think her integrity isn't what it should be?

 ha ha

"I am the Central Scrutinizer.
 This McDougal lady sounds like real trouble.
 I think I saw her name on an al Qaeda list.
 Better open a file on her, too.
 Oh, wait, my good friend Kenneth already has a file on her?
 Kenneth Starr, ...now there's a true patriot."

 Shirley Manson, contact  bartcop.com

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with the most artistic strategery wins one of the following prizes:

a CD by the best band working today,


A Brooke Burke calendar, personally signed by Brooke to you,


A pound of the only chocolate endorsed by  bartcop.com

..and since it's chocolate by South's Finest,
it'll be the freshest and best-tasting chocolate you've ever had.

Since everyone can't win, I suggest you Click  Here and get your
Valentine's Day gift for the woman in your life.
Better order two pounds, because this is the Chinaco Anejo of chocolates.

Prediction: If you order some of these for your girl,

...she might give you that special gift!

We will choose three winners, so send those sticker pictures in now!
Win Garbage, Brooke Burke or The South's Finest Chocolate.
Does it get any better than that?

From: Dee

Subject: Destroying Palestinian homes

No way, mister.
Destroying the home of an innocent family just because one member became a suicide bomber is evil.
It's evil every way you look at it.
Even if the guy driving the bulldozer had an uncle who died in Dachau.
Besides, it doesn't work as a deterrent.
Remember, the bombers are convinced they and their families are guaranteed a heavenly reward.

There are many problems that cannot be solved, or even helped, by an application of force.
This is one of those problems.

Dee, I understand, but you failed to offer an alternative.
I'm not sure I'm right, but at least I have theory and a plan of attack.

You know me, I'm one-quarter Lennon and one-quarter Bono,
but the other fifty percent tells me to stay alive because there's no tomorrow.

Seems to me Israel can either "accept the shopping bombings" or they can "fight back."
Put me in the "fight back" category.

I look forward to your response.


The Dresses at the Golden Globes

Red does something for  Jennifer Garner

Halle Berry could wear a potatoe* sack
and win "best dressed" every time.

Calista Flockhart turned sideways and wasn't seen again.

CJ in purple

Nicole Kidman had a great year.
She's free of the dweeb and won for best actress.
Go Nicole!

Heather Locklear won "best dressed Republican"

Yahoo says this is Malcolm's mom,
but she looks like Dr Melfi to me.

Sela Ward is wearing a dress that's so bad,
only Bjork's goose dress is worse.

But Dress of the Night goes to...

             Kate Hudson

I'd like to offer a standing ovation but I can't stand up right now.

Check today's for complete Golden Globes coverage!

From: Muddro

Subject: i beat the garbage test... didn't hit replay once!

...because i've already heard it about a thousand times.

well, 1001 now. :)

it's always interesting to see an old bart with an iq of 64 getting obsessed over a band
that people my age should be into. (my age is 25, dont know yours but i'll bet almost 2x).

keep obsessing man... it makes you younger. :)



Bush intellectually unqualified The Jan. 5 editorial, "Bush's first year," was an amazing piece of journalistic foolishness.
No matter how much you try to justify your endorsement of George W. Bush for president, you cannot overlook
the fact that he is intellectually unqualified to be the leader of this great nation.

Using the Sept. 11 disaster as an indication of his leadership abilities is pretty lame, since most Americans would
rally around Donald Duck at a moment of national crisis. Bush's promise to "rid the world of evil" should have been
a red light to us all. Upon hearing this ridiculous remark, one of my friends said, "I wonder when he's leaving?"

Bush is again using his speeches to try to pass an economic stimulus package for the wealthy, and so he stated
on Jan. 5 with great drama, "Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes!" I've spent some time trying to
figure out the meaning of that message.

And how about his promise to "trust the American people"? After Oregonians voted two times for death with dignity,
this administration decided to deep-six Oregon's legitimately passed law. Does that mean that Oregonians are not
Americans who can be trusted?


Anna, dittoes on that Donald Duck line.

Happy Birthday to...

    Emma Bunton is 26

Also born today - Sam Cooke (1931) Steve Reeves (1926) Jack Nicklaus (1940)  Benny Hill (1925)

 ...the BartCop Hex!
 I'm scared!
 ...Mother! ...Mother!

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